fscking lawyers!

Disclaimer: I understand that there are one or two lawyers out there who are not the spawn of Satan. I really do. That said...

Class-action lawsuits (CALs, from here onward) are among the biggest scams perpetrated on the American public. Recently, I've received letters about two CALs of which I am a member. The first was against Microsoft, regarding the flagrant abuse of their monopoly, and the second was against Sprint, regarding some dodgy billing practices which caused a bunch of people to pay too much in fees.

The payout for both CALs was pretty small, ~$20 or less. Even worse, they were in the form of discounts for products and services offered by the defendant! What kind of bullshit is that?

Let's say I punched 2,000 people in the face, and they turned around and hit me with a CAL. It seems that the 'punishment' I could expect would be an order that I must offer them an UNCLBEN(R)-brand mouthpiece at half-price (which is still enough that I will profit from the sale), but only if they will allow me to punch them again! If they want to go be friends with someone else, who /won't/ punch them in the face, that's too bad; they'll get no compensation for the punch I dealt them.

Of course, CALs continue to thrive because the lawyers get filthy rich. A million people/victims get $10 each in coupons to the offending company, but the five lawyers/piles-of-excrement each get $2,000,000 in cold, hard cash. Fscking lawyers.